Last week I wrote and delivered my third eulogy, becoming more comfortable in my new role as a funeral celebrant. If you had asked me a year ago: “What is a funeral celebrant?” I would not have been able to tell you. I had never heard of the term until approached by a local funeral home owner who wanted to offer such a service and was willing to pay for two people to get trained as celebrants.
If, like me, you are unsure what a funeral celebrant does, I offer the definition created by Insight Institute: the institute where I received my training.
A celebrant is a person who seeks to meet the needs of families during their time of loss. They serve by providing a funeral service that is personalized to reflect the personality and life-style of the deceased.
Even though I had only a rudimentary understanding of the role of a celebrant, I felt an immediate “yes” in response to the invitation to become one. I eagerly agreed to the intense three-day training.
We ate delicious food and completed a group Summer Solstice spread last week during our Food and Tarot Circle. Join us for our next circle on July 8.
The training was excellent and reinforced some of the tenets that I learned as a beginner therapist. Tenets such as:
- The power of presence: Being a witness does not require words. Listening deeply and providing a space where people feel seen and heard is a powerful way to show up and convey care. You do not have to have the “right” words. You do need to…
- Withhold judgment to foster trust: You may hear stories that surprise you, concern you, and anger you. Part of being human is to judge what you hear, if for no other reason, than to feel protected from a similar outcome. “If I just don’t do that, then I will be safe.” We also judge when a story reminds us of a past hurt. You are allowed to have an opinion, and if your goal is to be present and to build trust, then become curious. Get curious about the person’s story, but also, get curious about your own reaction.
- The need to establish significance: Acknowledging the significance of the loss is key to the grief process. Sweeping pain under the rug does not facilitate healing – quite the opposite. When gathering stories from the family to write an eulogy, I am listening deeply for all the reasons why the deceased mattered to them. I am putting into words the significance of their loss. Eulogies validate significance and give people permission to grieve.
- The comfort of ritual and ceremony: Rituals and ceremonies help us to create meaning. Songs, poems, sacred text, prayer, and dance are all possible ritual building blocks that honor an important moment and person in our life. When we participate in ritual, we signal to our brain that we are safe, we have a plan, and we are not alone. [Source] Rituals bring comfort.
- Telling the truth with gracious honesty: Being dishonest, even with the best of intentions (not wanting to hurt someone), negatively impacts healing. If someone had problematic behaviors or unlikeable personality traits, then pretending they were something that they were not engenders distrust. When we acknowledge the truth with kindness and compassion, we give people permission to accept both the light and the shadow sides of their loved one, and hopefully, of themselves.
While my experience is limited to three services, I already feel a profound sense of the sacred when acting as a celebrant. It is a privilege to show up for families and to honor the dead. I feel fortunate to learn about a life through the eyes of the people who loved them.
My experience has changed me. I approach funerals differently now. I feel more comfortable around loss, and consequently, can be more present for people that I know who are grieving. I am so glad that I said “yes” when asked to serve as a funeral celebrant. The invitation has deepened my experience and appreciation for life.
Wishing everyone a wonderful week!
Love,
Kim
Even Ladybugs do it!
For nearly thirty years, Kim Bushore-Maki has served Appalachia as both a pioneer and champion of holistic well-being and community health.
A licensed clinical counseling professional, she became the first Master level clinician at East Tennessee State University's Counseling Center, where she provided therapeutic services and directed the Sexual Violence Prevention Program and the Alcohol and Drug Prevention Program.
During her tenure at ETSU, she was a founding organizer of the Tennessee Coalition for Healthy and Safe Campus Communities as well as Tennessee's representative for the National Prevention Network. She drafted ETSU's first Sexual Violence Response Policy and coordinated the region's first "Take Back the Night" program and fundraiser (the oldest worldwide movement to stand against sexual violence in all forms), the proceeds of which funded the first SANE nurses at the Johnson City Medical Center. Kim also served as Interim Director of Disability Services for 11 months.
In 2010, Kim followed her intuition and vision to found Shakti in the Mountains, a thriving healing-arts center that draws on somatic expressive therapy, archetypal psychology, wisdom traditions, and regenerative economics. Kim continues to maintain a small private therapy practice and also leads healing programs and retreats, guides the Shakti Stewardship Program, and serves as a community-building consultant to justice-oriented initiatives committed to building safe, inclusive, vibrant, and resilient communities.
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